The Contender-Alfred Brooks
Setting-Harlem, New York
“Yeah, they’re in the back of the store,” Alfred answered.
The boy came up to pay and was walking out when Alfred stopped him and said,
“Are you ok? Is there anything I can do to help?”
“I’m fine, I’m just confused and don’t know what to do. I can't find the strength in me to keep fighting. .” the little boy answered.
“Well, I don’t know much but when it comes to fighting and determination, I think I might be able to help you. Why don’t you come along with me to Donatelli’s Gym afterwards?”
“Sure.”
It was late afternoon when they started walking to the gym. It was a quiet walk. Alfred knew that the boy was depressed about something, but didn’t want to ask.
“My name’s Ender,” the boy said. ‘What’s yours?”
“You can call me Alfred.”
They soon arrived at Donatelli’s. They stepped in and Donatelli asked, “Alfred, who’s your friend?”
“Umm...just a friend who’s following along for a day.”
“Do you mind if I train for a day with you?” Ender boldly asked.
“Can you handle it, little boy? I don’t want you getting hurt or anything.” Donatelli responded in a surprising voice.
“I’ll be fine.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll train with him. Don’t worry Mr. Donatelli.” Alfred said in a friendly tone. Both put on their gloves and gear. They both went into the ring with everyone’s eyes on them. Alfred wasn’t sure what the boy was thinking but he knew that this might help him. They began, and Alfred started by throwing a punch across Ender’s face. He noticed that the boy was slow because of his depression. Ender responded by punching Alfred in the stomach. The fight went on for only ten minutes when Alfred felt that he needed to end it. Alfred threw a quick punch at Ender’s face, and Ender was on the ground crying.
“Are you ok?!”
All Ender could do was cry, but Alfred noticed that the boy was not crying because of the punch, but of something else. Ender quickly ran out of the gym with Alfred running after.
“Stop! Wait up, Ender!”
After running for two blocks, Ender stopped. They both sat down by a river.
“I don’t know what to do. Everyone is putting their only hope on me, and I just don’t know what to do. I want to win but I just don’t have what it takes.” Ender sobbed.
Alfred didn’t really know what Ender was talking about but he knew that whatever it was, Ender really wanted it.
“I understand what you’re going through. It’s just like in boxing. You want to win it because everyone is counting on you. I once thought I didn’t have what it took to be a boxer, but after going through the countdown and finding the last bit of strength in me to stand up and win; I knew that I have what it takes.”
Ender thought about Alfred’s words deeply, and remembered of all the times he won at
“I understand now. I understand that even if I fall, I need to learn how to stand up with every last bit of strength I have in me. Thanks Alfred for giving me my strength and determination back.”
“I didn’t take it from you in the first place; therefore I didn’t give it back just now. I just helped you find it again. It never left; it only hid somewhere deep inside.”
“I have to go now. Thanks for everything.” Ender said.
It was almost dark now and Ender walked off into the sunlight and it seemed as if he disappeared with the sun. Alfred had a feeling that he would never see Ender again, but he also had a feeling that Ender was going to do great things.
this story is very good. I really like how alfred helped a random kid on the street. This story makes me think about how i could help some kid on the street.
ReplyDeletei thought the charecters conversation was good. A specfic thing that made alfred seem real was the fact that he tried to help out ender. In the book Alfred is a caring kind person.
“I understand now. I understand that even if I fall, I need to learn how to stand up with every last bit of strength I have in me. Thanks Alfred for giving me my strength and determination back.” This was my favorite part because it was the part that brought the story to a close. It was a good ending.
One part of the essay that was problematic was this part-“I’m fine, I’m just confused and I don’t know what to do, to keep on fighting.” He answered. This confused me for a couple of reasons. First it took me a while to find out who said it. Second the sentence doesnt make to much sense to me.
One peice of advice i could offer is to maybe add a litle more conversation between the charecters in the middle part. But this was a good story that i enjoyed reading.
I think this is a very nice and well written story. It is a good blend of 'The Contender' and 'Ender's Game.'I felt good after reading your story. Probably because Alfred helped Ender, and I'm inspired by him. The thing that I remember most from the story is when Alfred gave Ender a little pep-talk, and it made Ender look at everything differently.
ReplyDeleteI thought that the conversation between the two characters was good, and that their was lots of dialogue! I thought that they sounded realistic, and the words sounded natural coming from both of the characters. I thought that Alfred's dialogue was just a little over the top, but still good. It shows that he is growning as a person from boxing, and that his life is coming back together. But other than that, the conversations seemed authentic.
My favorite part of the story was, "All Ender could do was cry, but Alfred noticed that the boy was not crying because of the punch, but of something else." I really like this line because it shows that Ender has an emotional side, and that he can't always botttle up his feelings all to himself. I also like it because Alfred is really understanding Ender, and that it's not his fault, but he can still fix it. I like that line because it shows the character's truly understanding each other, even though they are total strangers. That is very hard to do, but it works very well in this story.
Something that I found to be a little problematic was some of the grammar, and some of the sentences. A couple of sentences I had to read twice because I didn't fully understand the meaning of them. Also, because of the grammar and the order of the words in the sentence made some lines harder to read than others. I feel like if you read it again out loud, then you could catch some of these mistakes and make the story have a better rhythm.
Something that I think that you could change to make it better is to have better character descriptions. I know what Alfred looks like from reading, 'The Contender,' but I don't know what Ender looks like or anything about him. How old is he? Why is he trying to save Earth and why is he the only one who can do it? I was sort of confused when he was mentioning those things. But these are only my opinions, and the story would still great even if you don't make the changes that I suggested.
when i think of your story what really pops out at me is the two boys fighting in the ring. i can just see one of them getting poped. i thought it was very good.
ReplyDeleteyour story and the coversation between the characters were so believable and could happen anywhere in the real world.
my favorite part of the story was-“I didn’t take it from you in the first place; therefore I didn’t give it back just now. I just helped you find it again. It never left; it only hid somewhere deep inside.”- i think this is inseperational thats why it stood outto me.
i didn't find your story distracting or problematic. i thought it was fine. no problems.
i think you could have used a little more character descriptions. i don't know anything about those two characters.